"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Albert Einstein
It was your typical luxury hotel training room. Shiny urns of coffee in the corner, bagels with a toaster to brown them to your delight, and beautifully patterned carpet under some fancy skirted tables. And don't forget the ocean view beyond the curtain sheers. By then I had almost taken it for granted, except that beauty like that doesn't let you. You always get drawn back in. I was in that room, training or being trained, hard to remember at this point, but there were many managers in there. Some in chef whites, but most in your typical business-like attire. Not much different from today, except that the girls had slightly more squared shoulders as dictated by the day's style.
We were going over a quote in the workbook, that was somehow supposed to trigger thought provoking dialogue, all to meet the objective of having a more effective life.
"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I was so ready for this course. I was in my late twenties, and just knew something was missing but I couldn't quite see what it was. Sure I had a great job for someone my age, in an amazing part of the country, and a good-looking boyfriend, yet none of it seemed quite as satisfying as I had imagined it to be, and there was a suspicion growing inside of me that I would never be satisfied even if things improved greatly on all those fronts.
"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I read it again, eventhough we had sort of moved on. The flipchart in the room to the right of the t.v. set may have even had this quote written on it as well. What was so compelling about it and why did I have to keep reading it? I was going insane thinking about the quote on insanity. It just rang so true. At that point I started thinking about my present boyfriend, let's call him John.
John was a nice guy, very athletic, a hard-worker, and incredibly uncomplicated. I typically only dated guys who I thought I could have future with until I realized I couldn't, and we would break up. Usually they would break up with me as I was always hopeful that things could change, then I would be heartbroken. With John, it was seeming to be no different. I started the path of wondering with him on two specific occasions. One was on my 28th birthday (or maybe 27) when he gave me a book for a gift. I was soooo excited at getting a book from him because he didn't like reading himself - had a disability in that arena - so for him to give me a book was a big deal. The book, as it turned out, was a Thomas Guide. Now if you don't know what a Thomas Guide is (this was before the days of GPS) it's a book of maps made famous by the overwhelming number of streets in Los Angeles and Orange County. Everyone had one who lived in the area - everyone except me ... until that moment.
"This way you'll never get lost" he told me.
The thing was I hardly ever did. Though it was a sweet sentiment, I just wondered if gifts got this practical after a year or so of dating, how much worse would it get? Frankly I would have preferred a sweater.
Occasion number two happened one night when I was pondering the meaning of life. I asked him if he ever wondered why he was placed on this earth. I had thought about it often as I was sure I had a specific purpose laid out for me I just didn't know what it was. Eager to connect with him on this point, his answer left me disheartened.
"No, I don't wonder... no not ever. Does that matter to you?"
"No" I lied. Again, hopeful that things could change. Or maybe I just didn't want to be alone.
"Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."
I snapped back into the training room. I was getting closer to the intrigue this quote seemed to be leading me to. I felt like puzzle pieces of understanding were floating around me, but not quite locking in - hate that. As I was refocusing on the lesson at hand, a knowing came with such familiarity, it was as if the answer had always been a part of me - just lost temporarily.
If I could be so blunt, and I really don't want to embarrass anyone, but my epiphany came from an unlikely place - in my physical relationship with John, and the boyfriends before him. I realized I was treating my relationships like mini-marriages. In my heart and body, I was 'married' or treating these relationships as 'marriages' before any such commitment existed. Sure, my boyfriends said they loved me and I think they meant it according to what they knew, but I was seeing disconnects in how the relationships were developing from where they were physically. I just figured it was a normal part of being in a relationship, and maybe it was to society at large as well, but I knew in that moment I was actually giving myself away, committing my body and spirit as an initiator in the relationship instead of a responder. Something was out of order in the way it was happening and I knew it deep in my gut.
I didn't know it then, but God was starting to speak to me in a still small voice, preparing me for His powerful words of Life to come.
I knew what I needed to do.
