When God Became Real at the Ritz: Part 4

"Salvation:  The act of being saved from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc..."  Websters.com

How did she get there, she thought to herself?  Jane was in her favorite wine bar, a respectable place in a small beach town, with a date, or was it a friend?  That was the problem wasn't it?  She didn't quite know.  This emotional place was all too familiar, and she was pretty tired of it, but obviously not tired enough.  At least not yet.  Michael had asked her out and sounded quite exasperated as he did so.  Not so much frustrated at her, but maybe by the circumstances.  That particular phone call was peppered with moments of silence, before he finally seemed resigned to see where that friendship would go.  Jane was listening to the band, some sort of jazz quartet, glancing sideways to the guy who deep down she sorta already knew wouldn't be hers.  It had been a long road that got her to that point.

Lost in thought, she went back to that Friday or Saturday night in the fall of 1982.  It was after a football game where she and Renee had been doing their duty as cheerleader.  It was the start of their junior year, and eventhough it felt differently at the time, upon reflection they didn't have a worry in the world.  It was long before cell phones, the internet, or other electronic distractions.  They were driving on their way to McDonald's in Renee's yellow camaro that her dad gave her - afterall that's what most 16 year olds did in Manassas, Virginia on a Friday night after an away football game, and there was no dance at the high school. 

Renee had some exciting news to tell Jane about one of the most popular guys in school.  Mark was a senior, captain of the football team, had lettered in three major sports, and was pretty much regarded as the catch of the school.  He wasn't just 'cute' by most girls standards, he was just a really nice guy who didn't drink, or smoke, and went to mass with his folks every Sunday.  Renee had heard from someone, who had heard from someone else, that this high school stud was interested in, much to her surprise, Jane!  Momentarily forgetting the other friend in the car, both girls screamed that kind of high pitched, curdling scream that only can come from a couple of teenage girls at the onset of some really great news.   To Jane it was amazing, fantastic, news for the insecure, attention needy 16 year old like herself.  To their friend who was driving the car, much to his dismay, the screaming was less exciting.

Jane wasn't the kind of girl that got asked out a lot, or garnered a lot of attention.  She was at that age where you start daydreaming of someone, anyone, to find you attractive enough to want to call you theirs.  Her high school was pretty small, so everyone knew everyone's business, and there was a lot of dating going on.  It was easy for her, or anyone on the fringe of popularity, to feel lonely as  others who had the kind of lives most high school girls probably wanted.  They were prettier, more popular, more talented and other guys seemed much more interested in them than someone like Jane.  So having someone like this guy even consider her was not on her radar, yet it seemed so right to Jane that someone would finally look at her and see what she thought was there.  Finally, someone understood who she was and liked it enough to want to spend more time with her. 

They of course ended up "going together" which is what it was called then, and stayed girlfriend and boyfriend until some of his freshmen year in college.  And like most high school romances, it fizzled as they wanted different things, and eventually Mark and Jane broke up.  Her heart broke a few times as that process took quite a while until it's finale.  He was her first love, and for the first time in her life, Jane experienced a void filling sensation that she never quite forgot, and finding that sensation again began to consume her thoughts and emotions from that time forward for a very long time.  You might say it became a bit of an obsession between the moments ordinary life brings - graduating college, finding a career, living on your own for the first time.  Through it all though, she never really healed from that initial heartbreak, and as usual, she would eventually date again, think the next guy was THE one, and have another heartbreak.  It seemed like a cruel, vicious cycle that she was all too eager to step into time and time again.

Much like then, Jane now found herself in a familiar cycle.  She paid attention once again to the band in front of her, next to yet another guy who could possibly be her next boyfriend.  It seemed rather impossible though.  They were clearly attracted to each other, and had been friends for a year or two.  By the time Jane was almost 30, she had already started another void filling endeavor called graduate school.  When she didn't have a relationship to occupy her time, she was consumed with achievement, so grad school was the next best thing.  Usually not a bad way to fill one's time, unless however, it fed another distraction.  Well that distraction had a name and he, Michael, was in her graduate class.  Having met in graduate school, their working lives were pretty similar and they seemed to get along great, but he never quite followed through in his periodic pursuits of her.  In all fairness to him, he had just gotten out of a serious relationship so pursuing another wasn't probably on the top of his list.  She had just ended a relationship too, but true to her form Jane was always ready for the next possibility.  So unless Jane put in the effort, it didn't seem he did.  So when he asked her to hang out that night, it was a bit of a shock since he clearly wanted to see if there was any possibility that the two of them could become more than friends.  Jane had made up her mind and wasn't going to bring up the topic that night - if he was interested, he would need to bring it up between band sets.  He never did.  

By the time the night ended, after a lot of music listening and few exchange of words, they walked out to their cars.  Frustration didn't even begin to describe the rise of emotion about to explode from her head.  She was angry.  Angry at him for not stepping up or at least admit he needed to step down, and angry at herself for getting her hopes up, thinking again this would be a good possibility.  As they walked quietly, despite the frigidness between them, Jane couldn't help but notice it was a perfect California night.  Not too cool, clear sky, and the kind of night that made you want to linger outside.  The perfect kind of romantic night that would have been nice to share.  It made the contrast with him all the more painful.  She just wanted to go home. 

As they both stopped in front of her car, he decided to strike up a conversation.  He wanted to know about a friend of hers he had met.  "I noticed she didn't have a ring on her finger," he mentioned, "is she seeing anyone?"  Jane was quite sure at that moment she would lash out at him severely if she didn't control herself - she was now a notch below fuming, "No, she's not seeing anyone", she answered with surprising calmness.  She wasn't even aware of what he said after, something about maybe asking her friend out.

At that point Jane was thinking to herself, "What a jerk!  Here he is out with me, talking about one of my best friends, looking at her like some object, checking out her ring finger for the possibility of meeting his own needs, all the while giving me mixed signals."  And then it hit her.  The very thing Michael was doing, was the very thing she had been doing for the last 12 or so years.  She had a deep void she was needing to fill.  So whenever she was single, she was always looking at ring fingers, or any other signs of availability that the guy in front of her may have been giving off.  She wanted to be married, have someone fill that void indefinately, and feel safe for the rest of her life.  She spent over a decade actually using others selfishly for her own needs.  It was as if a giant mirror was placed in front of her face, and all the judgemental observation she was giving Michael, bounced off the mirror and squarely landed in her heart.  Her heart broke, because it was also in that moment that she realized all the counseling sessions, books she read, self-realization and self-improvement she was after, was a deceptive desire for perfection that she thought she could do in her own strength.  She felt if she could work hard enough, be strong enough, be smart enough, she could prevent struggle and pain that was all too familiar in her life.  She was running after a lie, and instantaneously realized she had been duped for years.

And there was Michael.  He kept on talking, oblivious that Jane was a million miles away.  She felt this sort of invisible shield around her, keeping her safe in her own thoughts and safe from Michael realizing she wasn't listening to a lick of what he was saying.  She felt safe from any harm his proclamation of being interested in her friend had on her.  In the most bizarre self-exposed moment of her life, the clarity was healing and the sense of presence was thick around her. 

She felt safe. 

She had felt this before.  It was at church during a song.  It was with her friend Julia when Jane felt her heart soften.  It was when Mark recognized her heart was worth loving.  It was when she was hiking in Virginia and heard a whisper in nature trying to talk to her.  It was when her mom gave her hot chocolate and toast with melted butter.  It was when her father would take her on picnics, play those silly hand games, or sing 'Besame Mucho' to her.  And like a light switch, with a simple flip, she understood.  It was her heavenly Father loving her through the love of others.  He had been trying to talk to her for a very long time.  "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest," He said to her.  She heard God's voice.  She heard the voice of Christ.  She realized that Jesus was the promise of a full life she had been seeking on her own.  She could see.

Michael's voice then came into focus.  They said good night.  Jane went home, got ready for bed in anticipation of a very important conversation she needed to have.  Once under the covers, she prayed.

"God, I get it now.  If you want me, you now have me.  I give my life to your Son, as I can see I cannot live the life I'm desiring without You.  I cannot have the life I was made for without You.  Show me who You are, and I will follow You."

Though theologically there may be many who disagree, that night Jane became born again and found salvation.

A note from Jane:  I hope you have enjoyed my attempts at creative writing with some of the most important moments of my life.  I have a lot to learn in this arena, and am eager to continue pursuing it.  There are many other pivotol moments I could write about - life is so much more comprehensive than what I could do in a few short chapters but these undoubtedly have been what shaped THE most important decision of my life - deciding to follow Christ.  To many, Jesus is just another philosophy, another way of living life, and I respectfully acknowledge that - though I adamently would disagree.  We all have to make our own choices with whatever time we have, and though faith in any world view has many layers, my hope is that this layer would make you pause and wonder about this man, Jesus, who claimed to not only be God, but claimed to be the only way to the one true God.  I believe in life after death, and so did Jesus.  He came to give us a way to have everlasting life with the one true Good God by belief in Him that brings a humility in understanding how we have tried to do life apart from our Creator.  If you haven't already, I hope one day you will have a story with Jesus being the end result. 

When God Became Real at the Ritz, Part 3

What do you do if a man is interested in you, and you in him?  You go on dates and get to know one another better.  But what if that man is God?  You go to church of course!

I don't really think I understood everything that was happening.  I was relating to others differently, experiencing a new kind of friendship through Julia, and wondering if there was something more I wasn't looking at. 

The year or two before God started to reveal Himself, I was apt to try whatever I needed to to find inner peace.  I read tons of books, mostly self-help with the occasional metaphysical sprinkling of anything from DeePak Chopra to The Celestine Prophecy.  I took Tai Chi, dabbled in meditation, and even joined a drumming circle.  None of it took.  Whatever I was looking for, I wasn't finding it there.  It just felt empty in the end and like a bunch of people looking for something, claiming they had found "it" whatever "it" is. 

The last time I had gone to church at that time may have been in Virginia in the Catholic Church near where I grew up.  The service was rich in liturgy, and I understood none of it.  My only other experience before that, was at the same church where Mom and I went a few times.  I remember a young woman playing "Day by Day" on the guitar which I thought was kind of cool, but other than that, I remembered nothing else - except the donuts. 

I knew Julia went to church, and if memory served she probably said I could go with her anytime.  I took her up on it, and I remember she looked quite surprised and pleased by my request.  I think part of my decision to go had to do with a mental bucket-list, with one of the points being that I wanted to read the bible... I had heard it was a good book and I was always up for a good story, and I knew in church I would get a dose of what that book meant.  This sounds all very cerebral I know, but it was just as much in my heart as well.  Again, I just knew I HAD to do this.

Now the next part I tell with a bit of trepidation.  I really don't want to cheapen the experience with words.  I say this because there are some experiences in life that you go through and no matter how hard you try to find the right words there are none.  Yet this experience may be one of the most moving of my life, and I would be remiss if I left it out so I'll just trust Him with this, despite my desire to want to control the way you may respond to the story.

The Sunday morning came when we decided to visit church, so Julia and I met at a coffee shop called Dietrich's.  We met, ordered an iced mocha, bagel with cream cheese (this was before I was thirty so I could get away with ordering such a high caloric breakfast) and went on our way.  As we arrived I noticed a couple of things.  First there was no cross or steeple on the building.  The building had no particularly unique characteristics.  Only one floor, it was medium-sized, mostly brick, and the entry doors were all glass.  Immediately upon entering, besides being greeted and given a brochure, I saw a bookstore on the left and made a mental note to visit after church was done.  We walked a handful of steps more, and took a quick left into what I guess was the sanctuary.

The best way to describe it was a very large, high ceiling type auditorium, dimly lit.  People were everywhere, talking laughing, very casually dressed, and the chairs formed several sections semi-circled around the stage.  It looked almost like a business seminar, except that the stage had all kinds of musical instruments, including an enclosed drum set.  So far, so good.  I liked how it felt, what I saw, and I was pretty comfortable in the space.  The music eventually started, the band and singers were great, and the audience all joined in singing along with the words on the screen.  After a few songs, a casually dressed man, plaid type design on his shirt, and wearing blue jeans went on stage as the band exited.  He opened us up in prayer, and I finally figured out he was the pastor.  Let's just say I kept getting pleasantly surprised each step of the way during the service.  Besides it being like no other church service I had been to before, the message was very applicable to today even though it came straight out of the bible. I think the pastor even held up a newspaper at one point to talk about application even further.  The best way to describe it is that I felt completely and utterly at home.  Not just feeling at home, but I felt I WAS home.  Who I was, what I thought, the 'voice' I was hearing through the music and preaching was a home with such complete satisfaction and joy, I never wanted to leave.  And then it got even better.

A singer by the name of Chris Falson, not very well-known even today despite a very well-known worship song he wrote, was at the service with his team leading the music.  The closing song took my already content state to a point of incomprehensible awe with a particular song called "I See the Lord".  Now mind you, I was not (and still am not) a very religious person, so I really couldn't say I liked using the word "Lord" let alone singing a song about the "Lord", but this song was different for me.  I heard what you will hear on the video, and maybe it won't move you as it did me, but this song simply softened my heart to such a degree, that I started crying after I heard it.  But the crying was deep, and healing.  After I heard this song, I was changed even more than after Julia shared her friendship I described before.  It was a continuation of that same softening that occurred with her, but deeper.  It cut, it hurt, but there was also a release.  It was an experience that forever changed me.  I figured if there was a heaven, and I was going to be there, that what this song described was it.  Later when I started reading scripture much more, I realized the song did come from scripture, almost word for word, and described, you guessed it, a vision of heaven that one of the prophets was given.  My first date with God was a success, and I decided to keep going out with Him.  If ever there was a time I know the Lord was speaking to me it was during this song.  I had found the place where I would start my "dating" relationship with the one true God who would eventually lead me into the best relationship ever!

When God Became Real At the Ritz, Part 2

"Hi God, it's me Jane. To be perfectly honest, I really don't know if you exist. I've heard you are there. My mom would show me how to cross my thumb over my pointer finger to make a 'cross' and kiss it. I sometimes wear a cross, too, so I guess I believe you exist at least on some level. Here I am talking to you, so more evidence that I'm thinking you are there. If you are there, maybe you could show me, and in the meantime, I'll just start talking to you and see how things go. And while we are at it, can you tell me how to live my life because I'm not quite sure what I should do right now." That was it. That is how I started to pray in 1996.

If this sort of prayer sounds familiar to you, you aren't imagining it. An author by the name of Judy Blume wrote a bunch of books around the time I was growing up. One in particular I remembered was titled "Hi God, it's me Margaret". So of course, when I started to pray, I reached for the only model I could think of. Never underestimate the power of books, or the power of a good title anyway.

It was also a book that inspired the company where I worked to train us in how to have habits (7 to be exact)that would lead to an effective life. One of the habits (the 7th to be exact again) suggested that to round out your effectiveness, you needed to be balanced in four areas. To not be balanced in these four areas was like sitting on a stool with one or more of the legs missing - you may be able to balance for like a second, but then you'd fall flat on your face. At that time I was pretty wise in three of them, but like the good student that I was, or at least the perfectionist that I was, I HAD to master part four - practice being spiritual.

The book recommended a plethora of ideas which involved anywhere from going to church, to communing with nature. I picked prayer. It just seemed right. That simple, yet it became the most profound action I would take in my life. I sincerely believe it was at that point that God took me up on my challenge. He began to show Himself to me.

I can't say I quite remember what happened first, but a significant part of it all started through a co-worker named Julia. It was my birthday and she had been working for but a few days. Upon hearing it was my special day, she showed up at my desk with a card, a bag of cookies, and a warm smile. Hmmm. I was immediately suspicious of her desire to become friends and her gift to me seemed strangely odd at the time. She didn't know me hardly at all! It seemed inappropriate to be trying to get close like that without knowing me. In my twisted world, I had read all the books on boundaries, and been to therapy. I sensed what she was up to. She was immediately suspect.

Nonsensical. Not Julia, but me.

Garbage. Not her gift, but my thinking.

We became fast friends.

There was a confidence about her. When I didn't keep my admiration in check, it became an occasional jealousy. She was always there for people, rarely turning down an opportunity to support them and that included me. She would be my listening ear, my mentor as I grew in my career there, and training partner when managers needed skills coaching. It was with her that I would teach that 'effective habits' class. Some of my most creative moments at work were when I partnered with her on initiatives. Whenever I felt empty or lonely, which looking back was quite often, she was there to encourage me and build me back up. She was also there to let me know when I crossed a line. Maybe jokingly I would say something bordering on rude, she was quick to stop me, redirect me, or just let me know she didn't like what I had said. She was a true friend.

There was a significant moment in our friendship. I screwed up and I knew it. I had done something to Julia. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember it was the kind of something that would lead me to unfriend anyone in a moment if it had happened to me. Surprising? It shouldn't be since I was really into boundaries at the time, and my interpretation of what I had read coupled with my own desire to not want to get hurt, would easily classify this is as unfriending material. Of course, I cared about Julia, so I thought it only right to let her know what I had done, and take responsibility for my actions. I was so noble (she humbly confesses, with a hint of sarcasm).

God had me right where He wanted me.

So it was on the bottom level of the Ritz. Around the same location as the training classes we had conducted together. I think it was on a bench right outside one of the rooms where she asked me to sit after I had started telling her what I felt I needed to tell her. I don't remember there being anyone in the hallway, so it was easy to talk. She looked so serious. I sorta held my breath as she began to talk, prepared for what she would say. The conversation went something like this.

"Do you think I don't want to be your friend because of this?". I answered, "No. I don't." I agreed thoughtfully. Long pause. She looked straight into my eyes with a slightly confused, but mostly concerned look on her face and said, "There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you or being your friend. Nothing."

"What?" No, the voice in my head was more like "huh?".

I think my brain may have even stopped working for a second. It absolutely did not compute in my head. But though my head wrestled repetitively in hopes to find reconcilation in her statement within my world view, something subtle and incredible happened in my heart.

There was a small but sharp pain that struck the middle of my chest at that point. It was if it were cracking. But instead of it being an excruciating pain, it was a bit, how do I explain this? Relieving. Something was trying to break free, but hadn't been able to until that moment. A tenderness was now exposed. But with that I was suddenly so acutely aware of the hardness that was there as well. A hardness I didn't even know existed until then. Whatever my awareness, it seemed like this hardness had been ready to break open. It was waiting for that specific conversation to finally release the softness that had been yearning to get out.

Whoa! I was surprised at how good it felt. Unconditional love had started its work. The healing power of forgiveness had touched me. But this wasn't human love or human forgiveness alone.

I don't even remember how I responded to Julia, except that intuitively I knew this wasn't about her, though it somehow came from her. I relished in the experience, and knew to not give her full credit, but definately acknowledged her part in it. She was a chosen vessel selected just for me by a divine force who was personal. I was more alive and more full than any other moment in my life, at a deep, ontological level. There was a sense of permanence of this state of being. It was the Spirit that breathed in me through her words and ultimately began the healing I so desperately needed and searched for. I was being changed from the inside out. Sound dramatic? Life's most significant moments are. They are life changing.

Another vessel was this class I keep referring to. I learned about growing spiritually and chose prayer to meet that objective, and it's where I first saw the insanity quote. And this eventually led me to separate from the relationship with John. I had a newfound strength that had been imparted to me, and found its way into me at the cellular level.

I was being wooed by a man much greater than a boyfriend. A man too great for me to resist.