"Salvation: The act of being saved from harm, risk, loss, destruction, etc..." Websters.com
How did she get there, she thought to herself? Jane was in her favorite wine bar, a respectable place in a small beach town, with a date, or was it a friend? That was the problem wasn't it? She didn't quite know. This emotional place was all too familiar, and she was pretty tired of it, but obviously not tired enough. At least not yet. Michael had asked her out and sounded quite exasperated as he did so. Not so much frustrated at her, but maybe by the circumstances. That particular phone call was peppered with moments of silence, before he finally seemed resigned to see where that friendship would go. Jane was listening to the band, some sort of jazz quartet, glancing sideways to the guy who deep down she sorta already knew wouldn't be hers. It had been a long road that got her to that point.
Lost in thought, she went back to that Friday or Saturday night in the fall of 1982. It was after a football game where she and Renee had been doing their duty as cheerleader. It was the start of their junior year, and eventhough it felt differently at the time, upon reflection they didn't have a worry in the world. It was long before cell phones, the internet, or other electronic distractions. They were driving on their way to McDonald's in Renee's yellow camaro that her dad gave her - afterall that's what most 16 year olds did in Manassas, Virginia on a Friday night after an away football game, and there was no dance at the high school.
Renee had some exciting news to tell Jane about one of the most popular guys in school. Mark was a senior, captain of the football team, had lettered in three major sports, and was pretty much regarded as the catch of the school. He wasn't just 'cute' by most girls standards, he was just a really nice guy who didn't drink, or smoke, and went to mass with his folks every Sunday. Renee had heard from someone, who had heard from someone else, that this high school stud was interested in, much to her surprise, Jane! Momentarily forgetting the other friend in the car, both girls screamed that kind of high pitched, curdling scream that only can come from a couple of teenage girls at the onset of some really great news. To Jane it was amazing, fantastic, news for the insecure, attention needy 16 year old like herself. To their friend who was driving the car, much to his dismay, the screaming was less exciting.
Jane wasn't the kind of girl that got asked out a lot, or garnered a lot of attention. She was at that age where you start daydreaming of someone, anyone, to find you attractive enough to want to call you theirs. Her high school was pretty small, so everyone knew everyone's business, and there was a lot of dating going on. It was easy for her, or anyone on the fringe of popularity, to feel lonely as others who had the kind of lives most high school girls probably wanted. They were prettier, more popular, more talented and other guys seemed much more interested in them than someone like Jane. So having someone like this guy even consider her was not on her radar, yet it seemed so right to Jane that someone would finally look at her and see what she thought was there. Finally, someone understood who she was and liked it enough to want to spend more time with her.
They of course ended up "going together" which is what it was called then, and stayed girlfriend and boyfriend until some of his freshmen year in college. And like most high school romances, it fizzled as they wanted different things, and eventually Mark and Jane broke up. Her heart broke a few times as that process took quite a while until it's finale. He was her first love, and for the first time in her life, Jane experienced a void filling sensation that she never quite forgot, and finding that sensation again began to consume her thoughts and emotions from that time forward for a very long time. You might say it became a bit of an obsession between the moments ordinary life brings - graduating college, finding a career, living on your own for the first time. Through it all though, she never really healed from that initial heartbreak, and as usual, she would eventually date again, think the next guy was THE one, and have another heartbreak. It seemed like a cruel, vicious cycle that she was all too eager to step into time and time again.
Much like then, Jane now found herself in a familiar cycle. She paid attention once again to the band in front of her, next to yet another guy who could possibly be her next boyfriend. It seemed rather impossible though. They were clearly attracted to each other, and had been friends for a year or two. By the time Jane was almost 30, she had already started another void filling endeavor called graduate school. When she didn't have a relationship to occupy her time, she was consumed with achievement, so grad school was the next best thing. Usually not a bad way to fill one's time, unless however, it fed another distraction. Well that distraction had a name and he, Michael, was in her graduate class. Having met in graduate school, their working lives were pretty similar and they seemed to get along great, but he never quite followed through in his periodic pursuits of her. In all fairness to him, he had just gotten out of a serious relationship so pursuing another wasn't probably on the top of his list. She had just ended a relationship too, but true to her form Jane was always ready for the next possibility. So unless Jane put in the effort, it didn't seem he did. So when he asked her to hang out that night, it was a bit of a shock since he clearly wanted to see if there was any possibility that the two of them could become more than friends. Jane had made up her mind and wasn't going to bring up the topic that night - if he was interested, he would need to bring it up between band sets. He never did.
By the time the night ended, after a lot of music listening and few exchange of words, they walked out to their cars. Frustration didn't even begin to describe the rise of emotion about to explode from her head. She was angry. Angry at him for not stepping up or at least admit he needed to step down, and angry at herself for getting her hopes up, thinking again this would be a good possibility. As they walked quietly, despite the frigidness between them, Jane couldn't help but notice it was a perfect California night. Not too cool, clear sky, and the kind of night that made you want to linger outside. The perfect kind of romantic night that would have been nice to share. It made the contrast with him all the more painful. She just wanted to go home.
As they both stopped in front of her car, he decided to strike up a conversation. He wanted to know about a friend of hers he had met. "I noticed she didn't have a ring on her finger," he mentioned, "is she seeing anyone?" Jane was quite sure at that moment she would lash out at him severely if she didn't control herself - she was now a notch below fuming, "No, she's not seeing anyone", she answered with surprising calmness. She wasn't even aware of what he said after, something about maybe asking her friend out.
At that point Jane was thinking to herself, "What a jerk! Here he is out with me, talking about one of my best friends, looking at her like some object, checking out her ring finger for the possibility of meeting his own needs, all the while giving me mixed signals." And then it hit her. The very thing Michael was doing, was the very thing she had been doing for the last 12 or so years. She had a deep void she was needing to fill. So whenever she was single, she was always looking at ring fingers, or any other signs of availability that the guy in front of her may have been giving off. She wanted to be married, have someone fill that void indefinately, and feel safe for the rest of her life. She spent over a decade actually using others selfishly for her own needs. It was as if a giant mirror was placed in front of her face, and all the judgemental observation she was giving Michael, bounced off the mirror and squarely landed in her heart. Her heart broke, because it was also in that moment that she realized all the counseling sessions, books she read, self-realization and self-improvement she was after, was a deceptive desire for perfection that she thought she could do in her own strength. She felt if she could work hard enough, be strong enough, be smart enough, she could prevent struggle and pain that was all too familiar in her life. She was running after a lie, and instantaneously realized she had been duped for years.
And there was Michael. He kept on talking, oblivious that Jane was a million miles away. She felt this sort of invisible shield around her, keeping her safe in her own thoughts and safe from Michael realizing she wasn't listening to a lick of what he was saying. She felt safe from any harm his proclamation of being interested in her friend had on her. In the most bizarre self-exposed moment of her life, the clarity was healing and the sense of presence was thick around her.
She felt safe.
She had felt this before. It was at church during a song. It was with her friend Julia when Jane felt her heart soften. It was when Mark recognized her heart was worth loving. It was when she was hiking in Virginia and heard a whisper in nature trying to talk to her. It was when her mom gave her hot chocolate and toast with melted butter. It was when her father would take her on picnics, play those silly hand games, or sing 'Besame Mucho' to her. And like a light switch, with a simple flip, she understood. It was her heavenly Father loving her through the love of others. He had been trying to talk to her for a very long time. "Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest," He said to her. She heard God's voice. She heard the voice of Christ. She realized that Jesus was the promise of a full life she had been seeking on her own. She could see.
Michael's voice then came into focus. They said good night. Jane went home, got ready for bed in anticipation of a very important conversation she needed to have. Once under the covers, she prayed.
"God, I get it now. If you want me, you now have me. I give my life to your Son, as I can see I cannot live the life I'm desiring without You. I cannot have the life I was made for without You. Show me who You are, and I will follow You."
Though theologically there may be many who disagree, that night Jane became born again and found salvation.
A note from Jane: I hope you have enjoyed my attempts at creative writing with some of the most important moments of my life. I have a lot to learn in this arena, and am eager to continue pursuing it. There are many other pivotol moments I could write about - life is so much more comprehensive than what I could do in a few short chapters but these undoubtedly have been what shaped THE most important decision of my life - deciding to follow Christ. To many, Jesus is just another philosophy, another way of living life, and I respectfully acknowledge that - though I adamently would disagree. We all have to make our own choices with whatever time we have, and though faith in any world view has many layers, my hope is that this layer would make you pause and wonder about this man, Jesus, who claimed to not only be God, but claimed to be the only way to the one true God. I believe in life after death, and so did Jesus. He came to give us a way to have everlasting life with the one true Good God by belief in Him that brings a humility in understanding how we have tried to do life apart from our Creator. If you haven't already, I hope one day you will have a story with Jesus being the end result.
