Thorns and Humility

Merry Christmas!  I had begun this post about 2 weeks ago, and finally on a day like today, have a moment to sit, relax, ponder life, and write.  Maybe some "interesting" thoughts to have on Christmas, but in the end, the more I think about it, the more appropriate it is given why He came to us...

Thorns in this context are those things in your life that hurt.  Could be physical, emotional, or whatever, but it's pointy, painful, and a reminder of life's imperfections.  In my case, one of mine poked me a couple of weeks ago.  There I was, minding my own business, and a co-worker told me about an interaction they had had with another employee - an interaction that I had been longing to have.  "Why wasn't that opportunity mine?"  "Why is it so easy for this person to have such an interaction and not me?"  "Why would that employee rather talk and relate to them than me?"  "Why are they better at their job than I am?"  (can you see the downward spiral my thoughts were having?) Then the inevitable question of "Am I not good enough?" and finally "God, will I always feel this way?"

I remembered Paul, or St. Paul as some of you may know him, talk about a thorn he asked God to take away not once, not twice, but three times.  Paul was undoubtedly the most disciplined believer in the bible.  He came from a background of intense religion, with a deep knowledge in the jewish sect of his time.  It was considered by many "the" religion of the day and those who studied it and excelled in it were respected beyond measure. But when Paul met the resurrected Christ, he considered his previous worth basically worse than garbage - his accomplishments up until that time to be, in his words, "dung" or a not so nice word for "poop".  He doesn't get specific as to his thorn, what it is, so we are left to guess, or maybe free to know that we can relate to him.  Either way, it brings me comfort to know I am not alone.  In his case, he explains the reason that his thorn wasn't taken away.  Simply to keep him from exalting himself he "was given a thorn in the flesh"... Jesus answered his plea with the response "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." 

I'm not sure my particular thorn was "given" to me, but it was at least allowed - the fact that it could have been given to me by Him is a whole other thing to contemplate in itself!  God could have taken this away at any time, this feeling of inadequacy, whether real or made up in my mind, but He is choosing not to.  At this point I have a choice to fight it, like I sort of do already, or accept it and trust that His reasons are higher than mine.  But a new understanding also surfaced - His reason is that He is choosing to have this moment allowed in my life to give Him a chance to show His glory and strength in the situation.  Probably for no one else but me at this point - probably to strengthen my faith, then of course to bless others with the healing. 

I was jealous of my co-worker's interaction, instead of celebrating their accomplishment and moment that actually brought them joy.  I can usually celebrate with others whenever it has nothing to do with me, but when it's close to home - close to the things I desire, that ability seems to escape me. 

I love that He shows me these things, convicting as they are, but they are not shaming nor hopeless. 

God also allowed a "lowering" to One other, and that's where Christmas ties in.  He did it to Himself - He humbled Himself in the form of a baby.  I don't even think we can actually comprehend how limiting that is - to be God and yet limit the use of His powers on earth to the point of allowing Himself to be crucified, for the sake of others.  And here I am, not wanting a co-worker to have their moment, just so I can exalt myself in my moment (even if only to myself) and feel good.  I know I'm not God, but I have His spirit living inside of me.  If I only allow His spirit to work, not only would I feel the healing but more importantly it would certainly bless another.  And I really do want others to feel blessed -  I just think I want to bless others in a way that, if I'm honest, is not at the expense of myself.  If there's anything more anti-christian, it's that. 

Dear Lord - thank you for taking the time to show me who You are in these circumstances.  Thank you that healing comes through You in the world, and for showing me that perfection is not expected during this life through my own strength.  That only You are perfect, and the thorns lead us to a humble state remembering who You are and what You did for us.  It's all for You God, but only because you first did it for us.  Thank you for Christmas.

The Elusive Thanksgiving

By nature I'm a positive person.  Hope seems to rise up in the direst of circumstances, and I cannot dwell on the negative for too long - I'm just incapable of it.  A gift for sure, and yet this Thanksgiving I'm not as thankful as I wish to be.  Trust me when I say I can even find optimism in this situation, such is the life of a "positive" person, but nonetheless, my heart seems a little constipated in this area.  Sure As I told my hubby Rob the other day, though I can come up with a "list of what I'm thankful for" it sometimes feels more like a "should be thankful for" list as opposed to "what I'm thankful for" list.  I think the Lord is using this as a teachable moment. 

I got to give a testimony of what I was thankful for the other night in church.  It was daunting to be sure, because I just knew I should do it, but didn't have a clue clearly of what to talk about until just a few days before.  So for all of you who maybe find yourselves in the same shoes I wear this holiday, may you find comfort in our walk of kinship over this topic.  And for the rest of you that seem to have "thankfulness" oozing from your pores, be truly thankful for that, because it doesn't come easy for all of us.

So, what is someone like me thankful for this Thanksgiving?  You can find it in John 6:66-69. 

"As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore.  So Jesus said to the twelve, 'You do not want to go away also, do you?'  Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have words of eternal life.  We have believed and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.'"

Up until this point, Jesus had many followers, but they were following Him for the wrong reasons.  So when He challenged them a bit in their walk with Him, many decided to not follow Him any longer (I'm seriously paraphrasing, but you can always read it for yourselves).  Ever since the 2nd year of our marriage, Rob and I have been challenged with not knowing whether we could have children.  The details will be another blog for another time, but just know that our heartaches in this area have been long and deep. 

To this day, almost 8 years into our marriage, we have been praying and wondering what the Lord will do, and our only answer is that for now, He says "no" to us being parents.  It's a journey I'd prefer to not walk, yet when posed with this option with or without God, I ask and have asked myself "to whom shall I go?"  It's the perseverance with Him that has led me down a path of pain, but with that there's a reward of feeling the pain of others.  This compassion also has turned into a hope that just doesn't seem to die.  In fact the hope that continuously rises up in me despite these circumstances can almost be annoying - I can't even wallow for any length of time.  No "depths of despair", no pity party, no hopelessness for more than 10 minutes to 2 hours seems to be able to occur.  It wasn't always that way.  My previous trials in life (which frankly were just exercise for this one) led to depressive states for much longer.  But with each moment of trust in Him, He became stronger in me.  

Dear Lord ~ there it is.  I guess from the depth of my heart, I'm truly grateful after all.  Thank you for always being there for me, and even for the times I couldn't feel it, for helping me KNOW it was true in my mind if not my heart in those dark moments.  Without You, I really don't know where I'd be.  Thank you for showing me You are the one true God.  None other was willing to give His life for me, but You did.  Thank You and help me to never forget.  Amen.

To be vulnerable or not...

Tricky thing, starting a blog.  For those of you who love to write, it's difficult to not to want to do this - but for those of you who love to write, you also know that the words on the page are an insight into your heart, and that frankly scares the "whajeebees" out of me.  What will you think?  What will you agree or disagree with?  I just feel that the Lord has shown me so much and I want to share, so here we go.

The title is to outline my many experiences with God and what He shows me along the way.  Mountaintops are representative of those amazing God experiences.  Valleys, are the low points, and of course rainbows are the promises that get us through.  Which comes first?  Without getting too theological I would assume the promises, but in life it can get all jumbled for sure!  Walking with Jesus is definitely filled with them all, and my hope and prayer is that you will find the experiences He directs in my life to be a blessing and comfort in this walk towards heaven.