Time and Reactions

When my commute shortened, a very dear friend from back east wrote me a note of encouragement saying now that my commute is shorter, maybe I'll use the time to write more. And yet time has been slipping away, and all I can say is thanks for the encouragement Delia, and I hope to get to that point! In actuality, I've tried to write a few times but there was nothing in particular that stuck out. Usually I have a question that gets answered and that's where the writing takes me. Not this time. So, I decided to focus on the questions themselves.

I've been wondering about my life lately. Probably no different than you - asking questions and wondering what the answers would be. Here are some of mine.

Would ministry be in our future? The answer was "yes".

Will I ever stop my annoying ways with my husband, feeling the need to spread "gift" of seeing what needs to be improved and constantly tell him? The jury is still out on that one :)

I wondered once upon a time in my twenties if I would be an accomplished business woman at home in my field of choice. The answer by God's grace was "yes".

Will I ever be able to retire my 1995 Honda Civic and get a car I would feel more comfortable in and feel better about? If it means a car payment, increased insurance, and increased property taxes before it dies, the answer is decidedly "no".

Is this starting to sound like a Magic 8 Ball game? No answers please...

Then the questions started to get harder...

Will I be a mom? So far on this earth the answer is "no", but in heaven I have quite a family waiting for me there, so eternally the answer is "yes".

Will I ever really understand the depths of sin, and consequently understand all that Jesus REALLY has done for me? I'm still waiting for a huge "aha" moment, but in the meantime I get glimpses of answers that seem just out of my reach.

Will I always be able to worship our God freely in this country? By the way the media turns Christianity's conservative views as hateful, I'm beginning to wonder.

Will things always get tougher spiritually as we serve the Lord more? By the looks of how things have been going lately, the answer is absolutely "yes".

Then as I review these questions, questions by the way that I have spent a lot of time thinking about and living out, I am reminded that life is so much more than these questions and yet how we find the answers and how we react when we get the answers is ALL that life seems to be about.

Today I'm struggling with reactions - reactions I saw myself have just yesterday, reactions I saw a friend at church have just today, and reactions Associates had last week to their work environment. Some of the easier to spot "bad" reactions seem to be self-centered and the more obvious "good" ones seems to be other-centered. Either way I've been swimming in my own and others'. I think my questions are better as rephrased ones ...

Now that we are in ministry, how will I respond to whatever comes our way from it?

Since I do seem to be annoying at times, how will I react when my husband lets me know directly or indirectly?

Now that I am an accomplished business woman, how will I respond to this success and to the responsibilities it brings?

Since I refuse to pay for another car until this one expires, how will I live in LA where everyone seems to have a new car and I don't?

Since I am not a mom at present and really don't know how this part of my life will end up, how will I still praise God through the tough times it sometimes still brings?

Since I truly have a hard time understanding the concept of how bad my sin really is, how will I continue to seek the Lord on it tirelessly as my faith depends on it?

Despite the media bombarding messages to an unsuspecting public who doesn't understand Christianity and why we believe what we believe, will I have answers when asked, and will I live out my faith in a patient and compassionate way no matter what gets thrown at me?

And knowing that things will be tougher spiritually as I dedicate myself to His work, will I be able to stand firm against an unseen enemy's ways, and humble myself to such a degree that standing for the truth means more than my own reputation, whether people like me or not, or even if I'm standing alone in the fight?

Jesus, how did you do it? How did you forgive your closest friends when they not only stopped supporting you, but turned their back on you, and in at least one case betrayed you? How did you worry about your mother and her welfare to such a degree that while hanging on the cross in agony, you asked one of Your disciples to take care of her? How did you love the ones who sentenced you to a most grueling death despite your innocence, and right before you died asked our God in heaven to forgive them because they didn't know what they were doing? Eventhough you are God, while on earth you were also human - and You say that with Your spirit inside of us once we accepted you as Lord of our lives and God of all gods, Your strength becomes ours. But we can only see it when we are tested, so please, show me Your glory so that my reactions are not for self preservation, but for the preservation of your Name. Then just maybe I'll have some answers to share...