When God Became Real At the Ritz, Part 2

"Hi God, it's me Jane. To be perfectly honest, I really don't know if you exist. I've heard you are there. My mom would show me how to cross my thumb over my pointer finger to make a 'cross' and kiss it. I sometimes wear a cross, too, so I guess I believe you exist at least on some level. Here I am talking to you, so more evidence that I'm thinking you are there. If you are there, maybe you could show me, and in the meantime, I'll just start talking to you and see how things go. And while we are at it, can you tell me how to live my life because I'm not quite sure what I should do right now." That was it. That is how I started to pray in 1996.

If this sort of prayer sounds familiar to you, you aren't imagining it. An author by the name of Judy Blume wrote a bunch of books around the time I was growing up. One in particular I remembered was titled "Hi God, it's me Margaret". So of course, when I started to pray, I reached for the only model I could think of. Never underestimate the power of books, or the power of a good title anyway.

It was also a book that inspired the company where I worked to train us in how to have habits (7 to be exact)that would lead to an effective life. One of the habits (the 7th to be exact again) suggested that to round out your effectiveness, you needed to be balanced in four areas. To not be balanced in these four areas was like sitting on a stool with one or more of the legs missing - you may be able to balance for like a second, but then you'd fall flat on your face. At that time I was pretty wise in three of them, but like the good student that I was, or at least the perfectionist that I was, I HAD to master part four - practice being spiritual.

The book recommended a plethora of ideas which involved anywhere from going to church, to communing with nature. I picked prayer. It just seemed right. That simple, yet it became the most profound action I would take in my life. I sincerely believe it was at that point that God took me up on my challenge. He began to show Himself to me.

I can't say I quite remember what happened first, but a significant part of it all started through a co-worker named Julia. It was my birthday and she had been working for but a few days. Upon hearing it was my special day, she showed up at my desk with a card, a bag of cookies, and a warm smile. Hmmm. I was immediately suspicious of her desire to become friends and her gift to me seemed strangely odd at the time. She didn't know me hardly at all! It seemed inappropriate to be trying to get close like that without knowing me. In my twisted world, I had read all the books on boundaries, and been to therapy. I sensed what she was up to. She was immediately suspect.

Nonsensical. Not Julia, but me.

Garbage. Not her gift, but my thinking.

We became fast friends.

There was a confidence about her. When I didn't keep my admiration in check, it became an occasional jealousy. She was always there for people, rarely turning down an opportunity to support them and that included me. She would be my listening ear, my mentor as I grew in my career there, and training partner when managers needed skills coaching. It was with her that I would teach that 'effective habits' class. Some of my most creative moments at work were when I partnered with her on initiatives. Whenever I felt empty or lonely, which looking back was quite often, she was there to encourage me and build me back up. She was also there to let me know when I crossed a line. Maybe jokingly I would say something bordering on rude, she was quick to stop me, redirect me, or just let me know she didn't like what I had said. She was a true friend.

There was a significant moment in our friendship. I screwed up and I knew it. I had done something to Julia. I can't remember exactly what it was, but I remember it was the kind of something that would lead me to unfriend anyone in a moment if it had happened to me. Surprising? It shouldn't be since I was really into boundaries at the time, and my interpretation of what I had read coupled with my own desire to not want to get hurt, would easily classify this is as unfriending material. Of course, I cared about Julia, so I thought it only right to let her know what I had done, and take responsibility for my actions. I was so noble (she humbly confesses, with a hint of sarcasm).

God had me right where He wanted me.

So it was on the bottom level of the Ritz. Around the same location as the training classes we had conducted together. I think it was on a bench right outside one of the rooms where she asked me to sit after I had started telling her what I felt I needed to tell her. I don't remember there being anyone in the hallway, so it was easy to talk. She looked so serious. I sorta held my breath as she began to talk, prepared for what she would say. The conversation went something like this.

"Do you think I don't want to be your friend because of this?". I answered, "No. I don't." I agreed thoughtfully. Long pause. She looked straight into my eyes with a slightly confused, but mostly concerned look on her face and said, "There is nothing you could ever do that would make me stop loving you or being your friend. Nothing."

"What?" No, the voice in my head was more like "huh?".

I think my brain may have even stopped working for a second. It absolutely did not compute in my head. But though my head wrestled repetitively in hopes to find reconcilation in her statement within my world view, something subtle and incredible happened in my heart.

There was a small but sharp pain that struck the middle of my chest at that point. It was if it were cracking. But instead of it being an excruciating pain, it was a bit, how do I explain this? Relieving. Something was trying to break free, but hadn't been able to until that moment. A tenderness was now exposed. But with that I was suddenly so acutely aware of the hardness that was there as well. A hardness I didn't even know existed until then. Whatever my awareness, it seemed like this hardness had been ready to break open. It was waiting for that specific conversation to finally release the softness that had been yearning to get out.

Whoa! I was surprised at how good it felt. Unconditional love had started its work. The healing power of forgiveness had touched me. But this wasn't human love or human forgiveness alone.

I don't even remember how I responded to Julia, except that intuitively I knew this wasn't about her, though it somehow came from her. I relished in the experience, and knew to not give her full credit, but definately acknowledged her part in it. She was a chosen vessel selected just for me by a divine force who was personal. I was more alive and more full than any other moment in my life, at a deep, ontological level. There was a sense of permanence of this state of being. It was the Spirit that breathed in me through her words and ultimately began the healing I so desperately needed and searched for. I was being changed from the inside out. Sound dramatic? Life's most significant moments are. They are life changing.

Another vessel was this class I keep referring to. I learned about growing spiritually and chose prayer to meet that objective, and it's where I first saw the insanity quote. And this eventually led me to separate from the relationship with John. I had a newfound strength that had been imparted to me, and found its way into me at the cellular level.

I was being wooed by a man much greater than a boyfriend. A man too great for me to resist.