The Elusive Thanksgiving

By nature I'm a positive person.  Hope seems to rise up in the direst of circumstances, and I cannot dwell on the negative for too long - I'm just incapable of it.  A gift for sure, and yet this Thanksgiving I'm not as thankful as I wish to be.  Trust me when I say I can even find optimism in this situation, such is the life of a "positive" person, but nonetheless, my heart seems a little constipated in this area.  Sure As I told my hubby Rob the other day, though I can come up with a "list of what I'm thankful for" it sometimes feels more like a "should be thankful for" list as opposed to "what I'm thankful for" list.  I think the Lord is using this as a teachable moment. 

I got to give a testimony of what I was thankful for the other night in church.  It was daunting to be sure, because I just knew I should do it, but didn't have a clue clearly of what to talk about until just a few days before.  So for all of you who maybe find yourselves in the same shoes I wear this holiday, may you find comfort in our walk of kinship over this topic.  And for the rest of you that seem to have "thankfulness" oozing from your pores, be truly thankful for that, because it doesn't come easy for all of us.

So, what is someone like me thankful for this Thanksgiving?  You can find it in John 6:66-69. 

"As a result of this many of His disciples withdrew and were not walking with Him anymore.  So Jesus said to the twelve, 'You do not want to go away also, do you?'  Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord, to whom shall we go?  You have words of eternal life.  We have believed and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God.'"

Up until this point, Jesus had many followers, but they were following Him for the wrong reasons.  So when He challenged them a bit in their walk with Him, many decided to not follow Him any longer (I'm seriously paraphrasing, but you can always read it for yourselves).  Ever since the 2nd year of our marriage, Rob and I have been challenged with not knowing whether we could have children.  The details will be another blog for another time, but just know that our heartaches in this area have been long and deep. 

To this day, almost 8 years into our marriage, we have been praying and wondering what the Lord will do, and our only answer is that for now, He says "no" to us being parents.  It's a journey I'd prefer to not walk, yet when posed with this option with or without God, I ask and have asked myself "to whom shall I go?"  It's the perseverance with Him that has led me down a path of pain, but with that there's a reward of feeling the pain of others.  This compassion also has turned into a hope that just doesn't seem to die.  In fact the hope that continuously rises up in me despite these circumstances can almost be annoying - I can't even wallow for any length of time.  No "depths of despair", no pity party, no hopelessness for more than 10 minutes to 2 hours seems to be able to occur.  It wasn't always that way.  My previous trials in life (which frankly were just exercise for this one) led to depressive states for much longer.  But with each moment of trust in Him, He became stronger in me.  

Dear Lord ~ there it is.  I guess from the depth of my heart, I'm truly grateful after all.  Thank you for always being there for me, and even for the times I couldn't feel it, for helping me KNOW it was true in my mind if not my heart in those dark moments.  Without You, I really don't know where I'd be.  Thank you for showing me You are the one true God.  None other was willing to give His life for me, but You did.  Thank You and help me to never forget.  Amen.